Douchey Vernacular

WHOA. Don’t you come at me with your douchey vernacular bro, okay. We’re all friends here.

For the record, it’s not like I don’t understand you when you’re speaking. I’m not an idiot.

But I will say it’s rather irritating to have to translate your ass-faced douche dialog into, well, English.

I’m no wordsmith, but I simply cannot wrap my head around the necessity of “synergy”, “key deliverables”, and “core capabilities” when we’re casually chatting about what the fuck you did this weekend.

You kiss your mother with that mouth? No one needs to hear that crazy shit.

You watched some basketball at Buffalo Wild Wings, decided to go with the Parmesan Garlic and Chipotle BBQ instead of the usual Teriyaki route, and drank a lot of beer. (Which is a riveting story in its own right) But that’s all you had to say!

We could have wrapped this forced office banter over the Keurig 15 minutes ago, but now my coffee is cold, and I kind of want to fucking kill you.

Uh-huh, uh-huh, no way, uh-huh. I'm going to dick punch you at any moment, but keep going

Uh-huh, uh-huh, no way, uh-huh. I’m going to dick punch you at any moment, but keep going

I get it though. You and your impressive 4-day-a-week-happy-hour gut. No judgment here. Live your life.

Hey, at least you keep that goatee high and tight, so you clearly haven’t given up completely.

But why can’t we just have a normal conversation? Did we or did we not bond over our mutual love of all things Sushi/Sake related and Tool? Maynard forever, remember??

So when you come at me with ‘marketing initiatives’ and ‘execution strategies’ bullshit, I feel as though all that bonding was for nothing.

Well that's an hour I'll never get back.

Cocksucker motherfucking fuck. ALL LIES.

Yet, as I’m listening to you (aka hearing static while staring at your snaggle tooth and wondering how it doesn’t gouge a hole into the roof of your mouth), I have a sneaking suspicion you spit this turd jargon every time you attempt communication. And with the ladies? Let me guess, you’re ALL about whispering sweet nothings of ‘utilizing cost efficiencies’.

Wait…you have a girlfriend?

Please God, tell me you have a picture of her.

No?

It’s fine. I’ve already painted an image in my mind.

Oh that's...funny

Oh that’s…funny. Wow I’m a bitch.

So what could I possibly be referring to, you ask? Well let me give you some examples…

You: ‘What’s your bandwidth on spearheading that rather ambitious RFP we just received?’

Translation: ‘Can you email the chodes that asked us to build them a fortress for their event by next week, because I don’t want to’

Damn, man.

Damn, man.

You: ‘This is a great opportunity to position us here at Khaki’s Corporate International as a driving force in the industry, the only caveat being we’re going to be involved in many meetings with our West coast office for the rest of the week.’

Translation: ‘Fuck yeah, we got some more money! But we’re going to have to be on lame calls rather than leave early for happy hour. Balls.’

Annoyed Emma

And here’s my favorite (not my favorite):

You: ‘Let’s make absolutely certain we incorporate a slide or two that really speaks on how we differentiate from other companies’

Translation: ‘Let’s tell them what we do’

Oh fuck. He's leading this meeting. Fuuuuck.

Oh fuck. He’s leading this meeting? Fuck. Fuck. Fuuuuck.

5 minutes later…same meeting…You: ‘It’s imperative to showcase our core capabilities’

Translation: ‘Let’s tell them what we do’

You just can't help yourself

Yeah man, keeeep talking. We’re still totally listening

And here’s where I get irrationally angry:

15 minutes later…same meeting…You: ‘We’re also going to want to consider a rendering, an illustration, or a graph of our key deliverables’

Translation: ‘Let’s tell them what we do’

I hate you with the intensity of 1,000 burning suns.

I hate you with the intensity of 1,000 burning suns.

You do realize you’ve just said the exact same thing three motherfucking times. Good Christ man, do you hear yourself?

Look, you’re a nice person. And I mean that sincerely. You have a slightly dumb yet sweet-as-pie demeanor that won’t allow me to truly hate you – like a hyperactive Labrador puppy – so I’m genuinely open to all the possibilities for this behavioral disorder.

Theory 1:

Maybe you have to meet a word quota by the end of every day in order for your heart not to explode because terrorists put a teeny tiny bomb in there. Kinda like the movie Speed.

Theory 2:

Maybe you’re a robot whose basic humanoid settings have shorted out, forcing mind-numbing repetition of the same six words in rotation you yourself cannot help.

Theory 3:

You love that you sound worldly and intelligent to your boys back in Philly, because their basic exchange goes something like:

 

Broseph: ‘Yupto? Djeet? I’m stahvin’

Brosef: ‘Sposin I cud eat’

The end.

 

I know I sound harsh.

Because I am harsh.

It is what it is.

And I should acknowledge it doesn’t help I’ve most recently come from working in an environment where when we had to verbally interact, we didn’t pussyfoot around the subject.

For example:

Them: ‘Move. You’re in the shot.’

Translation: ‘Move. You’re in the shot.’

Them: ‘Quiet on set’ or ‘Quiet all around’

Translation: ‘Quiet on set’ or ‘Quiet all around’

 

Them: ‘That’s lunch. Back in at 2:37’

Translation: ‘That’s lunch. Back in at 2:37’

Makes sense

Makes sense

In fact, this is an industry that would rather not use four words if only two are necessary. I mean, only a bunch of amateurs use full sentences.

Pssh, WORDS. Amirite?

Them: ‘Cut. Reset. Going again.’

Translation: ‘Stop rolling. Put everything back in exactly the same spot we started rolling on. Get a new muffin, the talent took a bite out of that one like an asshole and fucked up the shot. It best look perfect, or you’re fired

Flying in!

Flying in!

Them: (looks at you) ‘Background’

Translation: ‘Hey you, go get the poor bastards who’ve been here for 11 hours away from the crafty table, wake them up, get them out of the bathroom – whatever you have to do – and bring them in here. Hurry up, or you’re fired.

Oh yes. YesYes Gotcha yes

Oh yes. YesYes Gotcha yes

 

Them: ‘They’re 10-1’

Translation: ‘Judging by the mouse fart of a budget we’re dealing with, that joke they consider catering is giving ____ a ride of their life, so it may be a while. Keep busy though, or you’re fired.

Yep Yes Gotcha On it Done

Yep Yes Gotcha On it Done

 

So, in conclusion: keep it relevant, keep it brief, or keep that brain rotting monkey shit to yourself.

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